Jokes for all
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www.napchan.com
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Jokes for all
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1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:) ___ Talking section ___ No talking section 2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest:) ___ Stock market ___ Sports ___ Medicine ___ Congregates' secret medical tragedies ___ General gossip ___ Specific gossip (choose:) ___ The rabbi ___ The cantor ___ The cantor's voice ___ The cantor's wife ___ The rabbi's wife ___ The cantor's wife's voice ___ The rabbi ___ The rabbi's wife ___ The rabbi's "secretary" ___ Fashion news ___ What others are wearing ___ Why they look awful ___ Your neighbors ___ Your relatives ___ Your neighbors' relatives ___ President Clinton ___ President Clinton and Monica ___ Sex (Preference: ______________________ ) ___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom ___ Other: _______________________________ 3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice? ___ Doctor ___ Dentist ___ Nutritionist ___ Psychiatrist ___ Child psychiatrist ___ Mother in law ___ Podiatrist ___ Chiropractor ___ Stockbroker ___ Accountant ___ Lawyer ___ Criminal ___ Civil ___ Real estate agent ___ Architect ___ Plumber ___ Buyer (Specify store: _______________________ ) ___ Sexologist ___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one] ___ Other: ____________________________ 4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:) ___ On the aisle ___ Near the exit ___ Near the window ___ In Aruba ___ Near the bathroom ___ Near my in-laws ___ As far away from my in-laws as possible ___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible ___ Near the pulpit ___ Near the Kiddush table ___ Near single men ___ Near available women ___ Near anyone who's available-I'm bisexual or just not particular ___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services ___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services ___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge] 5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where: ___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza ___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza ___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza ___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza 6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.) a) b) c) d) e) f) Your name: _________________________________ Building fund pledge: ____________________
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder (Passover dinner). Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next Yom Tov (holiday) to get them to come down?"
Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote all this nonsense?!!"
'Twas the night before chanukah, boichiks and maidels Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels The menaorah was set by the chimney alight In the kitchen the Bobba was hopping a bit - Salami Pastrami, a gleisele tay and zoyere pickles mit bagels - oy vay! Gezund and geschmak the kinderlach felt While dreaming of teiglach and chanukah gelt The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin and tickin? And Bobba was carving a sthikele chicken. A tummel arose, like the wildest k'dochas Santa had fallen right on his toches! I put on my slippers - ein, tzway, drei While Bobba was eating herring on rye I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gatkes While Bobba was just devouring some latkes. To the window I ran, and to my surprise A little red yarmulke greeted my eyes. When he got in the house and saw the menorah "Yiddeshe kinder!." he cried, "Kayn ein hora! I thought I was in a goyishe hoise. Nu, while I am here, I will leave a few toys." "Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish Mit a guppel, a teffle, a shtikele fish." with smacks of delight, he started his fressen - Chopped liver, kneidlach and kreplach gegessen. Along with his meal he had a good schnapps - When it came to eating he sure was the top! He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt But they were so hot that he yelled out "Gevalt!" He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish. "Your koshere meals are simply delish!" As he went from the door he said. "See y'all later - I'll be back next pesach in time for the seder." So hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint," he called out cheerily into the wind. More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came As he whistled and shouted and called them by name. Come Issie, and Moishe and Yossel and Sammy, And Oiving, and Maxie, anad Hymie and Manny!" He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight, "Good yomtiv to all, and to all a good night!"
10. No roof damage from reindeer
9. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt on candle races
6. You can use your fireplace
5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hor d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side- of-the-street parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk-of-magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
and last, but certainly not least:
27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
The Rebbe replied, "No, we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue, but nearby there is a new temple that opened, and no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services for an animal."
Morris said, " So I'll go see them now. Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service ? "
The Rebbe replied, " So why didn't you tell me the dog was Orthodox ?
Religious scholars have recently concluded that Jesus Christ was definitely not Jewish. Had he been Jewish, he wouldn't have wasted time with the Last Supper - he would have gone for the Early Bird Special.
Prime Minister Netanyahu and the Pope have a meeting to explore ways of finding an equitable settlement to the escalating problems in the Middle East. After days of getting nowhere, they decide in desperation to settle their differences by means of a golf match. The agreement is that if the Vatican's player wins, the Pope's views will prevail; if Israel's player wins, Netanyahu's methods will be employed.
The Pope decides to recruit Arnold Palmer for the job, but his advisors object that Palmer isn't even a Catholic. "Not to worry," says the Pope. "We'll make him a Cardinal." Palmer is promptly ordained.
The match is played, with the entire world aware that the fate of peace in the Middle East is riding on the outcome. Palmer loses.
The Pope phones him after the match and gasps in disbelief, "Arnold, what happened?? We were sure you couldn't possibly lose!"
Palmer replies, "So was I, FatherI'm devastated. I trained for weeks to prepare for this match. But who could know I'd be up against Rabbi Tiger Woods?"
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During W.W.II I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Er, I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Afew Kosher symbols you may have overlooked...
K.O. -- Hashgacha of the World Boxing Federation
DANNY K -- Supervision of the Vaad HaComedians
K SERA SERA -- Hashgacha given by liberal branches of Judaism.
K MART -- Hashgacha given by Rabbis who have decided to discount their normal fees and make money through volume.
YUD K, VOV K -- Under Divine Supervision
I'M OKAY, YOU'RE OKAY -- Hashgacha given by the local psychiatric association.
The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle...it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"
She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:
Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Betty: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other one."
AVRAHAM, the first, said "I built a big house for our mother."
MOISHE, the second, said "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
DAVID, the youngest, said "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the bible. Now she can't see very well, so last week I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole Torah...took the greatest rabbis 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
AVRAHAM, she said, "The house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
MOISHE, she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver can't sit still. He's never here when I need him.
DAVID, she said, "The chicken was delicious..."
Two Jewish brothers, Joshua and Richard lived in the same town. Joshua with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. Joshua's whole life was his cat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and he could not take the cat into England with having to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat.
Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Sadie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and Joshua was really getting to be a pain in the neck.
On the fifth day when he called Joshua asked Richard how Sadie was and Richard told him. "Sadie is dead"!! Well as you can imagine, Joshua nearly had a heart attack.
When he recovered he said to Richard, "that was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, well she's OK but she is up on the roof. And then when I called the next time, tell me oh oh, bad news, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news.
"Yes, you are right Joshua. I am sorry for being so heartless."
Joshua accepted Richards apology for being so uncaring, and then said, "oh, by the way, how's Mother?"
Richard then said, "well, Joshua, she's OK, but she's on the roof!!"
Jacob decides to go skiing with his rabbi, Shlomo. They load up Jacob's station-wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible snowstorm. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jacob says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, the rabbi gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up his friend Jacob and says, "Jake, do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Jacob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks...she just died and left me everything!"
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit, said God."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why DID you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance In this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?
A priest and a rabbi are sitting around one night comparing the problems of their respective congregations. The priest says, "Rabbi, I've been having a terrible problem with mice in my church lately. You must have the same problem, since your synagogue is just across the street from my church." "Truthfully," says the rabbi, "I used to be bothered by mice, but not anymore."
"How did you rid yourself of these pests?" asked the priest,to which the rabbi replied, "I bar mitzvahed them all and they were never seen in shul again."
Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow." Abe says, "OK".
The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.
The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?"
Straight faced, Abe replies "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but the tip of my penis is in Poland."
A sixty-eight-year-old Jewish man is sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "my wife of 45 years died a few months ago".
"I'm so sorry." replied the young man.
"No, you don't understand....I met a twenty-two-year-old woman, and she's VUNDERFUL."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You still don't understand. Every morning before she goes to verk, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. She cooks dinner for me, she washes my clothes, she cleans the house, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "You're right, I don't understand. It sounds GREAT. Tell me, why are you crying?"
The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?" "Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father".
The Jewish man thought a second and responded, "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the father for many".
The Jewish man quickly answered, "I to am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
Ein tog is Minni Horowitz ahaim gekummen, und zogt tsu Pocayenta: "Mamme ich vil chasene hobn".
Zogt Pocayenta: "Gut, s'is shoin tseit. Du bist shoin an alte moid, sechtsen jor alt, ver is der bocher?"
Entfert Minni Horowitz, "Oi, mamme, hob ich getrofn a bocher! a hoicher, a heldisher, azoi shtark, azoi shein !"
"Nu, un vos is sein nomen?"
"Er heist 'Sitting Bulvan'"
"Un fun vos far an iches kumt er?"
"Oy, er kumt fun groisn iches. Sein tate, "Meshuggener Ferd" is der gantser macher fun alle die Schwartsfuss Menshen."
Enfernt Pokayenta: "Gut, mir veln hobn a groise chasene, oy veis mir, mir hobn ein tsore."
"Vos is di tsore?"
"Di tseepee is nit grois genug far alle gest tsu der chasene: alle di Schwarts Fusser un di Shmohawks un di gantse mishpoche." Shreit Pokayenta tsu Geronowitz: "gib dir a shokkel un gei un chap far mir a buffalo".
Entfert Geronowitz: "Far vos darfst du a buffalo?". "Mit di fleisch fun di dem pelts kenn ich machn gresser dem tseepee un mir veln kennen einladn di gantse velt tsu der chasene".
Geronowitz is arois gegangen. Eyn tog is avek, tsvey teg, drei teg ober Geronowitz is noch nit zurik. A woch speter kumt Geronowitz mit leydike hent.
"Shlemiel, vu is mein buffalo?" schreit af ihm Pocayenta.
"Du mit dein buffalo tsimmes. Ich hob eich beyde in bod."
Fregt Pocayenta: "Vos is mit dir?"
"Dem ershten tog hob ich gesen a buffalo nisht genug far dem tsimmes, nisht grois genug far di tseepee. Dem zweyten tog hob ich gesehn an andern buffalo, grois genug far dem tsimmes ober mit a farfoilten pelz. Aza mieskeit fun a buffalo hob ich keynmol nit gesehn. A por teg speter hob ich gefunen a buffalo, scheyn, schmaltzig, grois: a buffalo an oisnam!!"
"Nu, nu, vuden? vuden?"
"Wie ich hob sich genumen zu schechten dem buffalo un ich hob gekukt in mein tasch,- du weyst vos? Ich hob mit mir mitgenumen dem milchediken tomahawk!!!!"
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Last updated: 16 Jan, 2006
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